Divorce Mediator Denver Colorado - Blog

What is the nature of conflict? When two sides have competing objectives over the same resources you have a conflict. Conflict is an inevitable part of life and can’t be avoided. Instead we must deal with conflict and produce wise resolutions that benefit both sides of the conflict.

Fighting is one alternative to a conflict and a popular one in Western Culture. When fighting is mentioned here visions of Clint Eastwood are conjured where after a few black eyes our opponent is conquered and we get our way. Instead, picture fighting as two opponents struggling to obtain the same objective using tactics that are verbal, behavioral, and if escalated, “Dirty Harry”™. Fighting results when

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we see no other alternative to getting what we want and compromising or losing is not an option. For example when the object of the conflict is a limited resource such as a single job promotion or the last bag of diapers on the store shelf when sick babies are at home and another mother reaches for the bag at the same time.

Obviously if the store shelf were full of diapers the two mothers would have no conflict. However, when two sick babies are at home and both mothers are on a mission to care for their babies that last bag of diapers begins to take on more significant meaning. A meaning worth fighting for. Now one clear solution to this problem is of course to split the last bag of diapers so both babies can be cared for that evening. Some would consider this to be a compromise, to share the diapers. It is less like a compromise because both mothers get to completely care for their babies that evening. In this case both mothers can go home completely successful in their mission to get diapers for their sick babies.

Now how about that job promotion? Can’t really share that one position with your opponent. A compromise could take the form of capitulation to the other party, where one party just concedes and agrees to stop competing for the position in the interest of peace. This doesn’t meet the needs of the conceding party. Perhaps they could toss a coin, or compare experience to see if both could agree on who is better qualified. While these are commendable resolutions they still leave one party with nothing to gain. Most would continue fighting and let management decide who to promote.

Instead of giving power to someone else to decide our fate, how about this alternative. One party could publicly support the other party to upper management for the position in exchange for something they would like. Maybe more flexible hours from their new supervisor, or more control over assignments? This gives both parties something to gain. In addition to converting your win/lose situation into a guaranteed win you also convert your opponent into an ally.

What keeps us from seeing these solutions? The answer is simple. We are only worrying about our needs. We want the bag of diapers or the promotion. By doing this we sometimes win (e.g. grab the last bag of diapers) and sometimes lose (e.g. lose the promotion, hopefully not to the mother from the store who lost the fight for that bag of diapers). What is wrong with worrying about our needs? Nothing at all. In fact if we don’t worry about them we can’t count on anyone else to.

This is what makes taking others needs into account so valuable. The fact that it is not common makes it valuable. By caring about other’s needs we can get them to care about ours and by working together both sides get something more out of the conflict.

Try this next time you find yourself in a conflict.

1. Let them speak first. Learn what it is they want and why they want it.

2. Repeat back to them. Repeat what you heard back to them to make sure you understand their interests.

3. Calmly tell the other side what you are seeking.

4. If they paraphrase back to you that’s perfect. If not, just ask if they understand what you are seeking from the conflict.

5. First agree to search for a solution where you can both get what you want and see if the other person is willing to do the same.

6. Brainstorm some options. “If you will do that, then I will do this. Would something like that work?” or “How would you feel about a solution where you get this and I get that?” etc.

7. Agree on a solution where both sides feel satisfied. This may mean a solution where one party gets the object of the conflict, such as the job promotion, but the other side gains the satisfaction of choosing their job assignments in the future, which would reduce stress in the current position and avoid the increased stress from the promotion.

Focus on satisfying the needs of your opponent in addition to your own and you will not only create more satisfactory agreements but your list of allies will grow as people will want to work with you more often when trying to solve problems.

Let me know how it goes.

Tom Davis
Family Synergy Mediation.