Hearing the Calling
This calling is not for all and from the beginning I was told by other Judges, Lawyers and Other Mediators that I would not be able to make a living with Mediation. It was not very encouraging and in fact was very discouraging and daunting to say the least. When you are called to the top of the mountain you don’t count the steps, you don’t doubt yourself because it’s not a choice that you will climb that mountain and turn it into a hill and you’d rather die along the way in pursuit of something real anyway. I’ve made and managed millions and millions of dollars for corporations, led many industry firsts in the I.T. and telecom worlds and worked with the C-level officers of the fortune 100. It was exciting at first but lacked an intrinsically valuable purpose. So What? I looked back at times that I felt satisfaction from my work and it was revealed to me that it was times when I worked with my hands (I was a professional shoe repairman by the time I was 15) and it was when I was helping others (teaching, and helping elevate their life trajectory. Being a parent to beautiful and talented young ladies was also very influential. I worked on a process I developed to help identify the best career for someone and when I was done I was legitimately surprised that the list was filled with professions like teacher, therapist, coach, lawyer…and mediator. It was over from the moment I saw the word. So what for those who are interested I’ll expand on why me being a Divorce Mediator is a good marriage (couldn’t help it).
The Value of Answering the Call
It is an observation that life equals hopefully a balanced landscape of suffering and indulgence. I mean if life was all indulgence you would end of suffering completely and if you didn’t have any indulgence you would only be left with suffering. So it’s a consciously managed balance between the two and not taking either your suffering or your bounty too seriously. This makes one person complex, a family exponentially more so and societies of people unimaginably complex so what moves each person is very personal and unique (enough anyway). So when you feel “The Call” you have hit the equivalent of the World Wide Powerball winning numbers! When you answer that call it streamlines your mind, values, purpose, and role in that complex society. You blend the demands of the profession with what you are naturally good at, what you like doing, and what aligns with your higher values. When you do that you become uniquely valuable.
Bringing back in the discouraging treatment I received from the industry when I started, it was a loving act to prepare me for a realistic view of the profession I chose. Every profession or calling has plenty of incumbent suffering you can’t avoid so it is the value of being eligible to answer the call that gives you the natural defenses against that built in suffering. When the pay is lacking, when the paperwork is tedious, when the outlook is unpleasant, and working with people in some of the worst pain of their life…you are at least doing what you are meant to do. You don’t count the steps anymore, you don’t turn everything into how much you make an hour, and you don’t get discouraged because this is the path. These factors are what drive everyone else away. You just get good at dealing with them because they are part of that path up the mountain. You can’t abandon the light in your life because it also creates shadows. So your passion for the thing you are doing is critical to your success and long term sustainability.
Qualities that I have
- Value for Family. Essential in personal success, it is value for yourself, and so it leads you to value others valuing themselves. A group of people doing this at its core is the family. You are stronger with a healthy family with you. In my case my family was one person, my Father, so it doesn’t take more than that . If you don’t have that, then you best go create it so your children don’t suffer the same isolating feelings of being alone this world.
- Logically Minded. I have a natural ability to create order from disorganization. It led me to be a software developer so I could solve those complex puzzles. I can see lines between things and how they relate. Logic doesn’t consider emotion necessarily and so it’s important that logical opportunities are not limited by one’s emotions, or you won’t see much.
- Creatively Minded. I am a natural Creative which has led me to work as a filmmaker, author, musician, woodworker and designer. Creativeness doesn’t consider logic necessarily so it’s important that creative opportunities are not limited by logic, or you won’t create much.
- Sensitive. I am naturally empathetic and have swam in oceans of painful and uncomfortable emotions in my life and made it through so I don’t get thrown off by sitting with clients in those uncomfortable waters. I am not callused like some, or unable to accept the entirely of an emotional being I am helping.
- Emotionally Anchored and Balanced. While I can feel things deeply, I have a strong core so I don’t get pulled out with the current. I can both feel for clients while they suffer, but remain separate and autonomous at the same time. This permits me to explore solutions for clients and keep my stability and objectivity which is important in finding solutions for Both Parties.
- Pragmatic. I don’t live in the theoretical world of unnatural possibility or unrealism. I fully support the audacious Dream but I also understand you have to start where you are. That means helping clients Radically Accept their circumstances without judgement from them. Plans made are realistic and attainable, which is critical the more audacious that Dream is.
- Sense of Humor. At home I goof around quite a bit and have used humor during oppressive periods in my life to “make friends with the demons” by laughing at them, laughing at my own tragedy. This is essential I think because some of the darkest times of life were met with a sense of disbelief and laughter. Laughter is a way to challenge the situation, not take it too seriously and hold it off by not agreeing with it, by laughing at it. We all need this more today than ever. It releases awkward confusing energy and sends it away for a while.
- The Ability to See and Change Life Trajectories. This is my super power. I have the life experience, insight and intellectual machinery to look at a behavior and with an alarming success rate predict outcomes. I can also usually see how making some important adjustments can alter an undesirable trajectory into a more desirable one. I think this is because in my life I have seen extremes in either direction acted upon me. I have been the recipient of disgusting and unforgivable violence and hate and also unimaginable love and dedication. Having lived both lives I can easily see how changing current circumstances can make unfathomable improvements in a life in the future. It’s these lessons I applied to my parenting, my students of parenting classes and to my own children. I have beaten all odds even the most benevolent mind would have given me, and so have my children.
- Successfully Navigated difficult Divorce and Co-Parenting Situations. Some Family Law Attorneys and Mediators claim moral high ground and trumpet their authority in Co-Parenting when they either do not have any children, have not been through challenging Co-Parenting successfully, have only very young children, etc. They sound very different from those of us who have the benefit of experience through the whole thing and can honestly look back through the whole process to see the FULL story. I have four daughters currently ages, 20, 26, 28 and 30. They are all independent, rooted, capable, kind and are all more successful than most of their peers. Much credit goes to them, however they had to be built up with certain values, skills, values and tools that enable them to overcome not only their challenges in our society, but their own troubles and difficulties from their divorced parents. Each of them were victims of mental and emotional abuse from those suffering from significant mental health issues. On top of the “typical” post divorce conflict, the situation was twisted beyond reason with debilitating mental health afflictions from their other parent. Some of the things that parents who are at the beginning think are the most important and fight for are not that valuable at the end. It’s also my observation that things that parents devalue tend to be the most important. I see what those things are and try to help parents work on the right things. No child has ever come back to their divorced parents and “thank you for fighting for that extra overnight, or for estranging me from my other parent.”
- Parenting After Divorce Class Instructor. Successfully taught the Court Ordered Parenting After Divorce classes for Adams and Broomfield counties for over four years and received some of the highest scores in the state. This has confirmed my views, insights and approach over thousands of parents over many years.
