Parenting Plan Strategies-Part 2: Bridging the Gap

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When going through a divorce, developing a solid parenting plan is crucial to ensure the best possible outcome for your children. A well-crafted parenting plan sets the foundation for effective co-parenting, minimizing conflict, and supporting children as they adjust to this major life change. In this guide, we’ll walk through the important considerations, strategies, and common pitfalls parents encounter when creating parenting plans during divorce mediation.

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Understanding the Parenting After Divorce Class

In Colorado, the Parenting After Divorce class is required for all divorcing parents with children. This class isn’t designed to teach general parenting skills but rather focuses on educating parents about the psychological and emotional impacts of divorce on children.

Why This Class Matters:

Research shows that when parents take steps to protect children from conflict, kids are less likely to experience issues such as academic problems, anxiety, or behavioral issues. The class gives parents tools to protect their children by focusing on:

• Children’s Emotional Well-being: Children are particularly sensitive to the way their parents behave and interact. When parents handle disagreements with respect and maturity, children feel safer and less burdened by the divorce.
• Conflict Management: Techniques for managing anger, frustration, or resentment toward the other parent, helping to shield children from any parental conflict.
• Positive Communication Skills: Approaches for effective communication that reduces misinterpretation, escalates less conflict, and encourages cooperation.
• Identifying Children’s Needs: The course encourages parents to see their children’s needs as separate from their own, helping parents focus on the best interests of their children.

However, parents often face challenges when it comes to directly applying these concepts to their parenting plans. This gap between theoretical learning and practical application is why pre-mediation coaching and working with an experienced mediator can be valuable in translating these concepts into real-world co-parenting strategies.

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Bridging Theory and Practice with Mediation

One of the best ways to bridge the gap between theory and practice is through mediation that integrates what you’ve learned from the Parenting After Divorce class. Here’s how to make the most of it:

1. Pre-Mediation Coaching: Schedule a session with your mediator to discuss how to apply concepts learned in the class to your unique situation. This preparation can help you anticipate common issues and develop tools to handle them effectively.
2. Keep the Children’s Perspective in Mind: During mediation, continually ask yourself, “How does this decision impact my children?” Shifting from what is easiest for the parent to what is best for the child can lead to healthier, more sustainable decisions.
3. Build a Plan for Co-Parenting Communication: Outline ways to handle tough conversations, coordinate schedules, and resolve disagreements. This can include agreeing to use email for non-urgent topics or establishing a set time to discuss schedules and parenting concerns.
4. Utilize Mediation to Translate Theory into Practical Steps: Work with a mediator to understand how big-picture goals (like minimizing conflict or fostering strong bonds) translate into concrete agreements in your parenting plan.

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Exploring Parenting Styles and Their Impact on Co-Parenting

Your parenting style can shape how you approach the parenting plan. Knowing and accepting your own style, as well as understanding that of your co-parent, can prevent conflict and support smoother co-parenting transitions.

Common Parenting Styles in Co-Parenting:

• Collaborative or Cooperative Parenting: Parents who communicate well and align on key parenting principles may find this style effective. Collaborative parenting can involve regular discussions about children’s needs, consistent rules across homes, and flexibility for unexpected changes. Children typically thrive in these environments as they experience a unified approach.
• Conflictive Parenting: When parents have different priorities or struggle with unresolved tension, conflict can arise over even small details. High-conflict parenting often has a negative impact on children, who may feel torn between parents. If this style is present, consider limiting direct communication and minimizing co-parenting decisions to essentials only.
• Parallel Parenting: This approach reduces direct interaction between parents, focusing on limiting conflict. Parents in parallel parenting only communicate on significant issues and make day-to-day decisions independently. Parallel parenting can work well when parents find it challenging to agree, creating a framework where each parent can establish their own household rules.

Understanding these styles and considering which fits best with your situation can help create a parenting plan that minimizes stress and maximizes stability for your children. If you want to learn more, check out my article on Parenting Plan Approaches.

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Structuring Decision-Making in Your Parenting Plan

One of the core functions of a parenting plan is to outline how decisions regarding the children will be made. In divorce mediation, these decisions are typically divided into two categories: day-to-day decisions and major life decisions.

Types of Decisions:

1. Day-to-Day Decisions: Each parent typically has the autonomy to make daily choices (such as bedtime routines, meals, or school drop-offs) during their parenting time. This helps avoid unnecessary conflict and keeps day-to-day life flowing smoothly.
2. Major Life Decisions: Decisions involving health care, education, or religious upbringing often require mutual agreement. For example, you may decide that elective surgeries or major educational choices must be mutually agreed upon, while routine doctor visits can be handled independently.
3. Refining Decision-Making Authority: It’s also possible to set specific conditions for certain decisions. For example:
   • Medical Care: Agree that each parent has the right to make non-emergency decisions independently, but decisions involving elective surgeries or ongoing treatments require joint agreement.
   • Education and Extracurricular Activities: Specify that certain extracurricular activities can be decided by either parent, but others, like those requiring substantial travel or expense, need to be agreed upon.
   • Discipline Policies: Outline a joint approach for significant disciplinary actions, especially if these affect time at both homes (e.g., grounding or phone restrictions).

Refining these decisions to cover specific conditions, time frames, and age-related milestones can make the parenting plan more adaptable as children grow, keeping it relevant and functional over time.

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Crafting Realistic Schedules and Managing Exchanges

Developing a feasible, child-centered schedule is a key goal in mediation. Here’s how to create a schedule that fits both your lifestyle and your children’s needs:

1. Consider Both Parents’ Schedules: A schedule should be realistic about each parent’s availability. Parents who travel frequently or work irregular hours may want to prioritize quality time over attempting a rigid 50-50 split.
2. Minimize Transitions: Too many transitions can be disruptive for children, especially younger ones. Minimizing exchanges (such as opting for weekly exchanges rather than several times a week) helps children settle into routines.
3. Exchange Logistics and Locations:
   • School Exchanges: For parents who live close to each other, school drop-offs and pick-ups can provide a neutral transition point, especially for younger children.
   • Neutral Locations: Meeting at a midpoint location, such as a favorite local spot, can work well for high-conflict situations, allowing a smoother transition.
   • Home Exchanges: If conflict is low, exchanging at each other’s homes may be feasible.
4. Holiday Planning: Define holiday schedules clearly, including specific start and end times, to avoid misunderstandings. Some families alternate holidays, while others find that celebrating holidays on non-traditional days works best.
5. Child Development and Age Considerations: Younger children may need shorter, more frequent visits with each parent, while older children can often handle longer stays. Additionally, as children grow, consider shifting to schedules like week-on/week-off that support greater autonomy and stability.

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Understanding the Emotional Landscape of Mediation

The emotional aspect of divorce is often one of the most challenging components to navigate. Conducting an honest self-assessment of where you are in the grieving process can impact how productive mediation is. Here’s what to consider:

1. Recognize the Grief Cycle: Divorce can involve stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually acceptance. Reflecting on which stage you’re in can help you approach mediation with a clearer mindset.
2. Minimize Emotional Triggers: If certain topics or phrases trigger strong emotions, prepare in advance by discussing these triggers with your mediator. For example, words like “custody” or “visitation” may feel legalistic and can be replaced with terms like “parenting time” to emphasize the shared role.
3. Shift from Me-Focused to Child-Focused Language: Avoid phrasing arguments around personal desires, such as, “I need more time with my kids.” Instead, consider reframing your perspective: “How can I best support my children’s stability and routine?”
4. Pre-Mediation Preparation: Consult with a mediator or therapist ahead of time to gain insight on how your emotions might affect your negotiation. Emotional support can be invaluable, especially if you anticipate difficult conversations.

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Final Tips for Creating a Parenting Plan that Works

Creating a parenting plan is about building a roadmap for your children’s future well-being. Here are some final tips to consider:

• Prioritize Flexibility: Avoid drafting a rigid parenting plan that locks you into specific dates and times. Instead, aim for a plan that can adapt to life’s changes and your children’s evolving needs.
• Don’t Rush Final Decisions: Allow time for each parent to consider and process the terms before finalizing the plan. Coming to a true agreement is worth a little extra time and can prevent long-term conflict.
• Use Mediation to Fill in the Gaps: Let your mediator guide you through areas of disagreement and help refine details so both parties feel heard and represented. This collaborative approach can make the parenting plan more resilient to future disagreements.
• Regularly Reevaluate the Plan: As children grow and family circumstances change, revisit the parenting plan to ensure it remains in everyone’s best interests. Mediation can be a valuable tool even post-divorce, allowing parents to adjust schedules or responsibilities as needed.

Creating a detailed, flexible parenting plan that reflects the unique needs of your family can set the stage for a smoother transition and a healthier co-parenting relationship. With the support of mediation, this process can not only help you work through tough topics but also pave the way for a future that supports your children’s happiness, stability, and personal growth.

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Closing Message:

“Remember to protect every accomplishment you make together and that setbacks are just wins in the making. Stay positive.”

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Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for educational purposes only and should not be considered legal advice.